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Wanted: Ugly people for travel ads
Tomb tourists told: Sorry, it's a fake
For Beijing’s best food, hit the hutongs

Posted: 17 Apr 2013 11:00 PM PDT

Ads lie. Or they did.

The golf vacation commercials are the worst. All those beaming glad-I-came-here faces. After a shank off the first and a round of 118? Not counting 11 lost balls?

It's impossible for any real golfer to look that happy.

Beach holiday ads are no better. Everyone perfectly formed, no cellulite or growths.

No one looking like they've been born in the normal, mammalian way, like you see on real beaches.

Unreally happy families having a wonderfully elated time at a great price with no sign of disharmony, dysfunction or diarrhea.

Couples staring dreamily through candlelight and walking hand in hand through the moonlit Caribbean surf, with no sign of her shenanigans the day before with the hotel's beach raker.

And the cruises: photo after photo of laughing faces having a once-in-a-lifetime time over a very small portion of fish. Which looks bigger in a close-up.

No sign of anyone seasick or cabin-bound. No pictures taken at the exact moment the dinner table conversation stalled on the first night: "Why did you come on this cruise?"

"Because we have a high superlative threshold and are easily deceived by advertising copy."

No hint of anyone being tortured by the crooner with the fire-retardant toupee; by the excessively talkative couple from Winnipeg; the extremely cheerful couple from Wales; the husband who memorizes Android reviews and the wife who collects digitalized photos of her master bedroom.

nok air ad Sex does sell, but so does candor. And pronounces Muscadet Muscadette.

No ad can communicate a real vacation and its petty but enervating frustrations.

And that's to be expected.

But there are signs that as travelers get savvy to the tricks and illusions of marketers, marketers are now becoming savvy to our savvy.

Ugly, the new pretty

I'm an honorary member of the "Ugly Club of the World." I received the accolade in the self-nominated ugliest place in the world.

The Club dei Brutti is based in Piobbico in the Marche region of mid-Italy. It has 30,000 members worldwide and hosts an ugly persons' festival every September.

The town square even has an ugly statue.

Piobicco has put itself on the map. Being ugly is its Unique Selling Point. It bills itself as a place ugly people can feel at home.

And it's effective. They come in their hideous hordes, ramping up the tourism income while battering down the beauty factor.

The Czech Republic has gone the same way.

It sells itself to bad skiers, offering "numerous ravishing sceneries" and flat, snowy places where "you can enjoy the nature while struggling to ski" and meet "not very capable skiers."

Superbeings and posers are not targeted. So everyone else can have a good time. Hard or soft sell, it works. Because it's different. And funny. And true.

hans brinker ad Hans Brinker may be mistaking self-scorn for honesty, but it works. Amsterdam's acclaimed Hans Brinker Budget Hotel has been "proudly disappointing travelers for 40 years."

Its unashamedly filthy rooms are sold out months in advance through sheer honesty, comic in its frankness and superb negative hyperbole.

Its marketing slogan is: "We can't get any worse but we try our best."

It waives liability for gastroenteritis, mental breakdown and even lost limbs.

It boasts a bar serving slightly watered down beer and facilities comparable to a prison. One ad proclaims: "Now even more dogsh*t in the main entrance."

Another shows a figure collapsed on the ground with its head caught in the hostel's doors, surrounded by an ever-widening puddle of vomit -- a new and successful style of gushing endorsement.

Is all this clever marketing? Or just simple truth that attracts backpackers on a budget and a bender?

Probably both.

What exactly are they advertising?

Being bombarded by perfect breasts and gorgeous men from every holiday brochure and mortgage maturity leaflet I ever picked up gets to me.

Cruise commercials don't make me go out and book a cruise. They make me go out and get some dental fixative. The only thing that sticks in my head is the teeth.

Recent surveys suggest we no longer trust celebrity endorsement, especially of beauty products. Scarlett Johannsen before and after? Unlikely.

One poll also revealed that 78% of TV viewers believe the people in laxative ads are really actors faking being constipated. Method actors having it the hardest.

It's time for ads to use normal people with realistic bodies and facial expressions. Someone not so happy. Someone not very photogenic.

kevin pilley The author, a confirmed "ugly" and occasional Mozart mimic. Someone with shoulder hair rather than shoulder-length hair. Someone more like me.

It wouldn't be a totally original concept.

One of the earliest examples of this kind of inverse marketing/reverse psychology came from an Irish realty agent who wrote straight-talking property descriptions along the refreshingly honest lines of, "The décor is revolting and the lack of insulation has attracted insects. Otherwise, there is nothing much wrong.'"

That was in the 1960s.

It proved a productive hook with people flocking up to see just how bad the houses were.

Copywriters need to bin the superlatives and "We've found paradise! Come join us!" approach.

They need to realize there's no such thing as paradise, especially if other people are there and all the loungers have gone.

As my Ugly Club friends keep telling me: "Us uglies must unite to overcome. We are better and stronger than the beautiful people. And there are far more of us."

It's all summed up by the recent Southern Comfort commercial.

An astigmatic, middle-aged potbelly in sea waders and tight trunks that could double as an eye patch waddles contentedly down a beach, accompanied by Odetta's "Gotta Be Me."

Perhaps body shape losers may not be flocking to the Barcelona beach where the ad was shot, but its aspirational message is clear.

Don't hype up. Hype down. To the naked truth. Democratize. Don't idealize. Tell it like it is. And show it how it is.

Get real.

Perhaps then we might not be so frequently disappointed when we get there.

Tomb tourists told: Sorry, it's a fake

Posted: 17 Apr 2013 07:00 PM PDT

Emperor Yang Guang's failed attacks on Goguryeo (now Korea) and increased taxation are believed to have led to the fall of the Sui Dynasty (581–618 CE). The discovery of an old tomb in China has repercussions beyond the history books and academic debates of scholars -- it also means tourists to an existing tomb in the same area have been unintentionally duped.

A tomb recently unearthed at a construction site in Yangzhou, China, is said to be the final resting place of Yang Guang (569-618), reported state-run newspaper China Daily.

One of the most notorious emperors in Chinese history, Yang Guang is blamed for the deaths of millions of people who died when he ordered the renovation of the Great Wall and attacks on Goguryeo (now Korea) in a failed takeover attempt.

He's also believed to have murdered his father.

Archaeologists say inscriptions on a tablet found on the newly uncovered site show the tomb belonged to the emperor.

This means a nearby tomb opened and operated since 2001 as Yang Guang's resting place cannot be that, and thousands of visitors to the site over the last 12 years have been looking at something else.

China's media has more questions than answers.

Some claim this new tomb is a fake as well. Chinese emperors often built dummy tombs to thwart the efforts of thieves or as tombs for their belongings, while they were laid to rest in a separate area.

If the old tomb was meant as a robbery deterrent, it failed -- the new discovery is said to have already been ransacked, with just a few royal valuables, such as a jade-and-gold belt and lion-shaped door knockers found on the site and believed to be further proof of Yang's ownership.

Another tomb, believed to be the resting place of the emperor's queen, was also discovered.

More on CNN: 10 of the world's most beautiful cemeteries

For Beijing’s best food, hit the hutongs

Posted: 17 Apr 2013 03:01 PM PDT

Beijing's hutong alleyways have long been the focal point of the capital's traditional life, featuring tiny noodle restaurants, lively mahjong games and ramshackle courtyard dwellings.

But today, the hutongs are also home to a growing number of cocktail bars, upscale restaurants and brewpubs -- all with a Chinese feel.

Where to eat

Brian McKenna@The Courtyard is located beside the Forbidden Palace's moat. The hutongs have always had an abundance of eating options, most offering local fare. In recent months, however, a few high-end restaurants have appeared.

Temple Restaurant and Bar (23 Shatan Beijie, off Wusi Dajie; +86 (0)10 8400 2232; Temple-restaurant.com) offers contemporary European cuisine and a 76-page drink list, including biodynamic and organic wines and infusion cocktails.

The location is tricky to find, but worth the effort.

It's set in a former television factory that made Beijing's first black and white TVs. In the back are a hotel and centuries-old 3,500-square-meter temple that serves as a culture space.

More on CNN: Insider Guide: What to do in Beijing

Brian McKenna@The Courtyard (95 Donghuamen St.; +86 (0)10 6526 8883; Bmktc.com), from award-winning Irish chef Brian McKenna, offers a Mediterranean-Asian menu in the Forbidden City --Beijing's ancient palace -- and has private rooms, a lounge and cigar room.

Visitors looking to get their hands dirty can try several places offering private cooking classes.

Black Sesame's lamb and pumpkin dumplings. Bet you can't eat just one. Black Sesame Kitchen (3 Heizhima Hutong, inside Nanluoguxiang; +86 (0)13 6914 7440; www.blacksesamekitchen.com) focuses on the art of dumpling- and noodle-making, among other classic Chinese dishes, in a cozy courtyard setting.

The Hutong (1 Jiudaowan Zhongxiang Hutong; +86 (0)15 9010 46127; Thehutong.com), a cultural exchange center near the Lama Temple, offers public cooking classes Mondays through Thursdays, focusing on knife skills, traditional Chinese medicine, Cantonese and more.

"The Hutong is all about learning and fun, and providing great cultural experiences for people who want to get out at night and get underneath the skin of the capital, and really explore Chinese culture," says general manager Morgan O'Hara.

More on CNN: Beyond the duck: 20 best Beijing restaurants

Where to drink

A rising number of hutong bars are serving expert cocktails, something once reserved to luxury hotels and a few choice bars in Sanlitun, the traditional heart of Beijing's nightlife.

Mao Mao Chong (12 Banchang Hutong; +86 (0)13 8103 51522, Maomaochongbeijing.com) offers an extensive list of creative cocktails, including several with mala -- a numbing spice.

Craft beer is catching on in Beijing. Slow Boat Taproom has 20 taps pouring beer brewed at its facility just outside Beijing. "When we opened the bar there weren't any cocktail bars in the hutongs," says award-winning bartender and co-owner, Stephanie Rocard.

"When people come to our bar it's like a destination place -- you get a real Beijing feel and the adventure of finding the place. People get into the environment."

A few alleys to the east of the Drum and Bell Tower, Mai Bar (40 Beiluoguxiang; +86 (0)13 8112 52641), which opened last year, shakes up well-crafted traditional and modern cocktails and two coolers of imported beer.

A few alleys west is Modernista (4 Baochao Hutong; +86 (0)13 6712 74747; www.facebook.com/modernistabj), a throwback bar with swing dancing, burlesque shows, live music and vintage films projected on the wall.

New bars with creative concepts continue to spring up. Serk (40-2 Beixinqiao Santiao; +86 (0)13 4264 74634; Seerk.cc), in an alley not far from the Lama Temple, opened last year and serves as bike shop, café and bar.

"The cycling culture has grown incredibly," says Shannon Bufton, Serk's Australian owner. "There's the start of a modern cycling revolution here."

More on CNN: How to cycle around Beijing

Another venue close to the Drum and Bell Tower is Bamboo (20 Ju'er hutong; +86 (0)10 6401 6083), which opened a few months ago and serves drinks make with soju, including the Kim Sour and Bloody Kim.

Opening soon, The Fort (5 Dongsiliutiao, +86 (0)156 5271 0448; facebook.com/thefortbeijing), located on a secluded rooftop, will be café by day, bar by night. Bagel-centered meals, private parties and morning yoga classes are all part of the plan.

Serk is a poplar spot to grab a Belgian beer after a long city bike ride.Meanwhile, the hutongs aren't short on good beer options.

El Nido (59 Fangjia Hutong; +86 (0)15 8103 82089) is a hole-in-the-wall owned by the charming Xiao Shuai ("Little Handsome"). This place is the original home of the hutong hipster, whose numbers continue to grow in Beijing, and sells dozens of imported beers across the globe.

Great Leap (6 Doujiao Hutong; +86 (0)10 5717 1399; greatleapbrewing.com), a brewery opened by a Beijing expat in 2010, kicked off Beijing's craft beer scene. The courtyard is a perfect spot for afternoon summer drinks and the venue hosts events such as an annual chili cook-off and beer-and-movie nights.

Slow Boat Taproom (56 Dongsibatiao; +86 (0)10 6538 5537; slowboatbrewery.com) opened last year and has 20 taps serving beer brewed at its facility just outside Beijing.

"The reasons why we felt the brewery would work is we kept on seeing bottled craft beer coming from the United States, and we'd never seen that before," says Chandler Jurinka, Slow Boat's co-founder.

"We felt there was a good chance [the craft beer scene] would pop sometime."

He says the low cost of entry and fewer hurdles to opening a business in Beijing compared with Shanghai will make the former the center of China's craft beer scene.

After midnight, several new establishments are keeping the energy up in the normally quiet hutongs. 4Corners (27 Dashibei hutong; +86 (0)10 6401 7797) is a Vietnamese restaurant, live music venue and late-night hangout, with a spacious courtyard that buzzes in the summer.

Nearby are Temple Bar (206 Gulou Dongdajie; +86 (0)13 1610 70713), a live music staple, and Dada (+86 (0)18 3110 80818; Temple Bar), the neighborhood's first true nightclub.

A Shanghai import, Dada opened last summer and features DJs spinning in the club's bunker-like quarters till late.

More on CNN: 20 best Beijing hotels